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Pat Robertson
Marion Gordon "Pat" Robertson (born March 22, 1930) is an American televangelist, the founder of the Christian Broadcasting Network and the Christian Coalition, the host of The 700 Club, and a dick.

Early Childhood
At a young age, his brother nicknamed him “Pat,” and he later took this as his official alias, believing that his given first name was “too effeminate.” This was Robertson’s first step in a lifelong battle against his own sexual uncertainty that took the shape of vilifying and persecuting homosexuals, feminists, single parents, and anyone not in strict agreement with the notion of family values as depicted in the Ozzie and Harriet television series.

Education, Military Career
Robertson received his bachelor’s degree in history from booze-drenched safety school Washington and Lee University. His claim that he was elected to the Phi Beta Kappa Society is not corroborated by the Society’s membership directory. For reasons not fully understood, Robertson has described his academic career in the following words: "Although I worked hard at my studies, my real major centered around lovely young ladies who attended the nearby girls schools." Historians agree that thinking too much about this statement is nauseating.

Robertson’s efforts to publicly confirm his heterosexuality continued into his service during the Korean war. According to Paul Brosman, Jr., a veteran who served with Robertson, the future self-styled paragon of moral rectitude had “numerous encounters with prostitutes and sexually harassed a cleaning girl.”

Though Robertson claims to have received three battle stars for action against the enemy, former Republican Congressman Paul "Pete" McCloskey, Jr., who served with Robertson in Korea, claimed that Robertson was spared combat duty when his father, a U.S. Senator, intervened on his behalf. According to McCloskey, Robertson’s time in the service was not in combat, but as the "liquor officer" responsible for keeping the officers' clubs supplied with alcohol. Why McCloskey would spread such vicious lies about a future man of God is unclear.

Religious Awakening and Ministry
After failing to pass the bar exam in 1955, Robertson underwent his religious conversion, entering a field that has a much lower bar than the actual bar. He attended the New York Theological Seminary, and was awarded a Master of Divinity degree in 1959. Similar degrees are available from the Universal Life Church.com for $25. In 1961, Robertson founded the Christian Broadcasting Network, which is now watched by shut-ins, racists, homophobes and those without remote controls in 180 countries.

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Pat Robertson Overheard During Commercial